Category: answers

Question

My 16 yr old stepson is exhibiting destructive behavior. He is sneaking out at night, drinking, skipping (and failing) classes, and lying to us. His dad and I have very good reason to believe he is sexually active with an older girlfriend (who is not a minor). He has told us he would move out if he was 18. He won’t turn 18 for a year and a half. We have listened to your podcasts about building relationships, but don’t know how to balance showing loving behavior while trying to keep him from behavior that will have lasting and very negative consequences for his life.

Dr. Scoresby’s Answer

When a child engages in this form of behavior, which is oppositional to parents’ values, it will be important to gather some information before proceeding to an action plan. So I suggest you look at the following.

• Consider his level of success or failure at what he wants to achieve (e.g., school achievement, social success, sports, etc.). See if he is failing at something.
• Carefully examine his relationship with his parents to see if he is angry, hurt, or resentful if there has been inappropriate treatment. This does not mean his resentment about parents who are trying to prevent him from doing harmful things. The question is this: Is this destructive behavior a reaction to being mistreated in some way so that he is responding by NOT doing whatever you value as parents? (e.g., education, religion, moral behavior, etc.) If he is doing this, then he might be reacting to how his father and/or mother is treating him.
• Check for peer acceptance or rejection, and see if there is strong anti-parent pressure.
• How predatory is the female in this situation?
• Why do you think your attempts to regulate him are failing? Is it that the female’s sexual behavior is too enticing, is it because your efforts to regulate him are ignored, is your communication ineffective?
• What is his emotional behavior like? Is he angry all the time, is he often depressed, is he quiet and sullen, does he isolate himself?

If you have gathered this information and his destructive behavior is something that comes mostly from his association with this girl and therefore he is opposing you as parents in order to sustain that experience, as opposed to behavior that comes from some trauma or emotional problem, then I propose the following as options:

1. Get to a professional for some help.
2. What forms of behavior will he respond to? Will he talk? Can you control the time he spends out of the house? Reduce the amount of arguing, and face him with significant questions, such as, “I would like to know if your relationship with us means anything to you?” “Do you want to impregnate a girl by the time you are seventeen, and, if so, what will you do then?”
3. He is a minor, and you can exercise legal rights to affect him. This is extreme but may be necessary if he continues to harm himself.

 

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Question

Hi Dr. Scoresby. I hope this question finds you well. I wanted to ask you about my daughter. She is a bright, hardworking teenage girl. One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that she seems a little anxious at times. With this anxiety, she will get extremely focused on things that aren’t really important in general but seem important to her. For example, she’ll tell members of the family the same story 3 or more times or ask the same question even after she has received a clearly explained answer. She will also stress out over homework assignments that aren’t due for weeks. She’ll start working on the assignment but get overly stressed if it seems difficult even though it isn’t something that has to be completed within the week. What suggestions do you have on how we should act in these situations as parents? How do I help her deal with her stress/anxiety while letting her know that it’s ok and I’m here to help her with things so she doesn’t let her focus take control of her or stress out on things that are weeks away?

Dr. Scoresby’s Answer

When a young person displays anxiety that is manifest in as many ways as you describe, it is probably wise to gather some additional information. This is because it could be a symptom of several different things, and any attempt to address it should take that into account. I suggest the following steps to help her.

1. Have her participate in a fairly thorough physical exam, which includes a blood workup to see if there are any unusual variations in body chemicals.
2. Keep track of these anxiety episodes, and see if they might be connected to sleep problems, eating problems, time of day, menstruation, etc.
3. After identifying several situations, see if most of them have to do with performance anxiety, which typically shows up as part of tests, due dates, etc. If this is the case, then check to see how much pressure this girl feels from her parents, from her own expectations, from siblings, from friends, etc. If you discover there is considerable pressure, then part of the solution will be to help her develop some specific coping mechanisms as well as adapting her expectations to more realistic outcomes.
4. If this is not the case, then I think it would be useful to invite her to visit a professional who has some background in anxiety to see whether the anxiety is connected to a cognitive problem such as ADHD. Sometimes this is difficult to pick up in females. Check to see if there any members of your family with this type of issue.
5. Some effective counseling will also help.

 

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